There are things I need to say but I bite my tongue. Things I so desperately need to say to certain individuals but pride refuses to loosen its hold on my tongue and emotions. Things I’ve heard but outright refused to acknowledge or accept and yet I needed to hear it. Stuff I’ve realized and discovered reverberating throughout my mind like heavy metal. I always shout the words out aloud in my mind yet dare not allow them to escape from my lips.
They say in order to run we need to learn how to crawl first. And as easy as that sounds crawling is the most daunting task. You need to crawl in order to walk and only once you’ve learned how to walk you can run. However recently I learned that although I’ve learned how to walk I am still crawling….And maybe that is what so many of us do on a day to day basis, we think were running when the truth is we are actually still learning to crawl. Not because we have to but because crawling is so much safer than running. I can’t think of a moment where I have not strived for anything but perfection. Failure in anything I did was simply not tolerated and if I did fail I personally oversaw my own punishment making sure it never happened again. I’ve grown and made mistakes bearing the burden of my background around my ankles like heavy chained shackles digging deeper into my bones with each and every step I take. Not sure whether I’m innocent or the cause behind it all yet the situation remains moot as I already established myself as the root cause behind it all. While the world and its occupants deem me innocent I bear the mark of a sinner around my neck. Forgiving everyone for their mistakes yet refusing to absolve myself from mine because in my mind I am guilty of crimes so sever it has rendered me useless, spoiled ….and beyond the point of forgiveness even if I wasn’t I’d still not be worthy of forgiveness. No matter how far away I run from my past the darkness always follows close behind my heels, as much as I’ve claimed I’ve forgiven the boogeyman of my childhood the more and more I wonder if I actually did forgive him, if I’m even capable of forgiving others. I keep praying, hoping he would change…but maybe it’s not him that has to change but me. I am what’s wrong. I am the one that needs to change. All this time I thought I was running when I’ve actually been crawling this whole time….